Friday evening was the kickoff to the Alamo Drafthouse’s Summer of 1982 series…it’s going to be a damned good time thanks to the hosts and partners.
Was it the best Summer of movies ever? This is a matter of opinion and it’s often easier to say in hindsight. In 1982 I was 13 going on 14 and there’s a cliche I’ve read in The Onion’s AV Club saying you experience your own personal Golden Age of Pop culture between age 12-15. I agree with Alamo’s eight key choices for being memorable films, but they’re not all the greatest as the inaugural feature proved.
Conan the Barbarian is a relatively important flick though:
- It was Arnold’s first real starring vehicle to utilize his physique…outside of a documentary or porno.
- It was the Fantasy flick that led to other numerous knockoffs trying to mop up the spillover money: The Sword and the Sorcerer, Fire and Ice, Sorceress, Krull and The Beastmaster. D&D’s rising popularity also contributed.
- It was co-written (from a legal/WGA standpoint) by John Milius and Oliver Stone. Both gentlemen went on to direct other well-remembered Eigthies standards, Red Dawn and Platoon respectively. You think a debate on Crossfire is contentious? Imagine the idealogical fight between those two.
The Alamo’s two co-hosts donned their best fake muscles, loincloths and swords to get everyone fired up over this brand new 35mm print from Universal. (It was impressive to see the movie with so few scratches.) Before we all got to watch, Drew McWeeny of HitFix spoke briefly regarding Conan. His tale about how hard he worked to see this movie as a 12-year-old kid was touching…and relatable. At least he succeeded, I had to settle for snippets on HBO the following year. I can visualize the horror on his parents’ faces as they sat there wondering, “What the hell kind of movie is this?” when the first set of breasts appeared.
Alas, I never saw Conan in the theater because of its R rating. My folks were pretty set against letting me seeing such flicks unless one was present, they had already watched it and it was on cable; Dad usually made sure Mom wasn’t around or awake when he knew a boob scene was about to happen. Maybe he wanted my brother and me to watch some female nudity to make sure neither of us were gay.
I did watch Conan in its entirety a few years ago courtesy of a friend’s DVD. The movie loses a lot of ground on the small screen plus it was fodder for a Sick Day Marathon; I kept nodding off from the side effects of cold medicine. Barbarian is quite different from the sequel Destroyer which I had seen several times; the latter is a kinder, gentler Fantasy film. I do wonder why I never bothered seeing Barbarian sooner.
How was Conan the Barbarian 30 years later? Beyond the bigger joke Arnold’s overall acting and political career transformed into, the movie hasn’t aged very well. It looks very dated via the effects, the plot, the costumes, etc. It does play out better on the big screen, especially during the climatic battle near the end and when showing the immensity of Thulsa Doom’s following. I had forgotten about how many stretches of no dialogue there were. Combine this with its frequent lulls of inaction and it can be a struggle to stay awake through.
Ratings:
1982 (13-year-old me): A. I was a huge D&D geek, enjoyed violent fare and wasn’t familiar with Howard’s original stories so it didn’t take much to cater to my tastes. The sex stuff didn’t move the plot at all, just secured the R rating.
2012: C. The acting is wooden other than Max von Sydow and James Earl Jones’ performances. Too many slow points which hinders the overall pace. Remove the nudity and graphic violence, Conan could be a long episode of Xena since special effects have gotten cheaper. Compared to its competitors, Conan the Barbarian was the best of the bunch except for Krull.
In conclusion, here are the movie’s life lessons as highlighted by evening’s hosts, hopefully the other seven features contain such nuggets of wisdom:
- To crush your enemies
- See them driven before you
- (and) To hear the lamentation of their women
Next up in the Summer of 1982: Mad Max 2, aka The Road Warrior by its US title.
You were there? Hell, I was there! Row three. I was the guy in the black triangle-y facepaint akin to what The Big Guy sported in the scene where they snuck into Thusla Dooms’ lair to steal back the princess. I’ll shoot you a pic. I had no idea you were going.
Not to wax too long, but Conan for me is and was a very important movie. Yes, the acting is pretty darn spotty in some parts. But the overall effect is for me, unmatched by other genre films. And the music! Oh the music! Still to this day I hear snippets of the soundtrack in trailers of other movies and in other video productions. Hell, just yesterday while watching a documentary about Monet, in the background for about two minutes was part of the track “The Search” from the Conan soundtrack.
Oh, and I was fortunate enough to see the movie in all its 1982 glory back when I was 12 years old. My folks took me to the theater. Ahhh, my wonderful parents. Alien, Jaws, Excalibur, Conan, Bond flims, it did not matter. If they wanted to see it, I tagged along. Blood, gore, sex, be damned! As long as I kept my mouth shut during the movie, I could go to just about anything they went to.
The Alamo Experience brought alot of good memories back for me. I’m glad you got to experience some of that magic too, Steve!