Immortals

This horrendously awful interpretation or (in Hollywoodspeak) re-imagining of Greek mythology, makes the rebooted Clash of the Titans seem intellectual.

The story focuses on the Titans being incarcerated in Mount Tartarus by the Gods and there’s only one thing that can free them, a magical bow. Where is the bow? Nobody but the oracle knows. Besides, who wants to set the Titans free, they’re jerks. Enter King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke doing his creepy thing). His family died and he blames the Gods. To exact revenge on the Gods, Hyperion roams Greece with a freaky army, killing/raping everything in sight, searching for the bow. When the violence reaches this small village, peasant Theseus is drawn into the mess. Mess is about as good as it gets.

Our old-style TV may not be high-def yet the colors used in Immortals were as muddy as the plot. The ultra-violence also covers up the plot holes. Had I not paid attention to the credits, I could’ve sworn this was really the outtakes from 300 or something done by an intern who worked with Zack Snyder. The Gods not intervening was rather weird. Firstly, they often meddled in people’s affairs according to mythology, hence the problems in the world. Secondly, they do a couple times, especially when Theseus is pretty screwed. Lastly, I guess the Greek economy was experiencing austerity measures in the past due the pantheon being limited to six Gods for this movie.

I could go on for another couple hundred words yet why bother. You’ve been warned ahead of time if you waste the electrons and bandwidth via Netflix to watch this chariot wreck trying to make mythology come alive.

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