Comedian Patton Oswalt decided to endure the pain of the latest GOP circle jerk, never mind that the election is a year away but I also loved how it was also his middle finger to fantasy football fanatics. The latter little hobby was amusing, adorable, it was right there with the office betting pool my old man used to participate in when he was a slave to “Big Jim” Thompson’s Illinois Fiefdom. Now fantasy sports are ubiquitous and annoying like anything coming out of Taylor Swift’s noise hole and bacon “jokes.”
On the other side of the coin, Patton’s D&D jokes are dead on but I think a general audience will understand his point, namely through the zingers. You can see the original posts here. I decided to make a short cut on my site because they’re too damned funny and I wanted to save my fellow gamers a little time.
- Ted Cruz = dwarf cleric with 3 Charisma.
- John Kasich = level 4 fighter with standard plate armor and a standard long sword, 10 strength.
- Chris Christie = shambling mound.
- Carly Fiorinia = level 5 Drow elf with a + 1 Ring of Vampiric regeneration.
- Rand Paul = halfling thief.
- Jeb Bush = NPC with 8s in all attributes and leather armor.
- Ben Carson = necromancer, 19 intelligence, 4 wisdom.
- Marco Rubio = paladin, 18 charisma, all other stats 9, cursed broadsword.
- Mike Huckabee = gelatinous cube.
- Trump = level 21 demi-liche, Lamarkin’s Rod of Disease, Cloak of Revulsion.
Too bad Scott “Dropout” Walker and Rick “Goodhair” Perry dropped out, Patton would’ve had some tasty zingers for them. The candidates stuck at the kids table are a waste of energy. Being a Texas resident in Austin, he was too generous to Ted Cruz, the Teabagger with Romney’s dead eyes has NO CHARISMA, even amongst his fellow Republicans in Washington.