Can you smell what the Rock is cooking? If it’s an anti-hero superhero movie for the struggling DC Universe? Then it’s a steaming turd burger covered in cliché sauce and too much exposition! Johnson wants to be the next Ahnold in so many ways…and badly. There are days I have a hard time not hurling whenever he opens his face about politics and today’s “partisan mess,” especially when his name is brought up as a possible candidate for POTUS. Let’s hope this dud kills this thought. The last thing America needs is another fake Centrist Republican with no real administrative or true leadership skills who will just turn into another Far Right Republican which Ah-hold was all along.
What about the movie?]
Riding on the successful coattails of Shazam, the inept handlers of the Warner Brothers-Discovery-AT&T thought, “Hey let’s bring in Shazam’s equal in ability from the comic books (before DC bought Fawcett)! And with Johnson as the villain, we can’t go wrong.” Oh yes you can!
Let’s start with the story. Around 2000-2500 BC, there was a fake land with a horrible king working his people to death for some magical metal (did he try looking in Wakanda?). It would make him immortal or whatever. The great wizards who gave Shazam his abilities picked out somebody to oppose the king from the ranks of the people. It ended badly with Black Adam being sealed in a tomb. Move forward to today, the fake land still goes by the same name and it’s ruled by a corporation that uses mercenaries with high tech (flying motorcycles) to keep the residents in line. A family of scientists know the legends and in their quest to liberate their country, they release Black Adam who is pissed off, indirectly saving them from some evil soldiers. Enter the Justice Society of America (yes, not the League) at the orders of Amanda Waller (Suicide Squad’s boss) to capture Black Adam as he poses a threat to the US and its allies. Here I was stoked to see Dr. Fate, Hawkman, Nuklon (but they go with the lamer Atom Smasher name) and Twister. I was wrong, read on for why. Numerous fights, deaths, collateral damage and a predictable betrayal follow. Blah blah blah. Another long-ass exposition. Then it ends with a surprise after the primary credits and closes out with a horrible Kanye West attempt at “music.”
Believe me, I went to this hoping it would be on par with the first Wonder Woman and Shazam. I don’t piss away $30 at Alamo to make sure something sucks. I was even willing to put aside my annoyance on how Johnson wanted his turn at being the Terminator. My main focus was finally seeing those Golden Age heroes on the big screen. Instead, two aren’t even needed, one is two-dimensional acting via growls (discount Batman) and the last is Pierce Brosnan phoning it in since this will buy him another sports car. The biggest mistake Adam made was relying the voiceover exposition method. Don’t tell the audience what happened, just show them! If some parts aren’t clear to the audience, the second one they used at the reveal about who Black Adam really is would resolve it! Overall, it’s just a mess and collection of action scenes on par with the equally boring Aquaman which had a drumming octopus to stop it from being a 100 percent stinker. Trace Beualieu of MST3K fame said it best with Aquaman and this applies to Adam, “I could make the same movie by flushing a bunch of action figures into a toilet.”
I’ll close with one positive thing I can say about Black Adam, unlike Moana, we’re spared Johnson’s sorry attempts at singing, autotune to fix it and all.
Alamo Extras: An old cartoon with a knockoff of Abbott & Costello poking around in what people’s ideas of Egypt were in the Thirties; A comedy bit involving weightlifting; Clips from a Filipino version of Wonder Woman, the Johnny Soko show, Justice League New Frontier cartoon, LEGO Shazam and Black Adam showing up in the League of Pets; the moral lesson segment from the Seventies Shazam show; lastly a painful montage of Johnson appearances on numerous TV shows (Colbert, GMA, etc.) or his wrestling past, many with him singing.