Hail, Caesar!: Wait for Netflix or rent

hailcaesar

I’ll start off with a disclosure statement or confession…I am not nor have I ever been enamored of the Coen Brothers. I think they’re hacks who are twice as crappy as Tarantino. Makes sense, there’s two of them. I hate The Big Lebowski and Fargo. I did like The Hudsucker Proxy but much of the credit there goes to Sam Raimi who provided the frenetic action sequences and more importantly, he made sure their movie had a narrative. I was hoping they’d change my mind on Caesar. Seriously. I had no plans on spending the money I did at Alamo Drafthouse to reconfirm my dislike.

As for the actual movie, I personally found it to be a deception via the trailer. Online Caesar appears to be a caper film. Clooney’s character is kidnapped by a mysterious group. Brolin’s character has to rescue Clooney while juggling a studio. Nope. It’s focused on Brolin as the studio’s fixer keeping everything running: Clooney’s kidnapping; juggling two gossip columnists who are identical twins (Tilda Swinton playing both); pacifying Fiennes the director who lacks the patience to tutor a cowboy actor on his diction; Johannsen’s personal problems holding up a musical/swimming flick; etc. In short, there’s no real story. Caesar is a day-in-the-life of Brolin’s protagonist circa 1951, a few years before TV devastated the motion picture industry’s finances. Yes, I know TV as we’re familiar with it rolled out in 1939, the saturation of enough markets didn’t happen until the latter half of the Fifties.

Is it a horrible movie? No. It’s more like a long audition reel demonstrating the Coen Brothers can imitate more famous movies: On the Town, Esther Williams stuff, pre-TV Westerns, parlor dramas and the Biblical/Historical flicks. Many of these were made with special theaters in mind, namely cinemascope, thus seeing the Coens cut-and-paste work in a modern venue is better served on your TV. Your wallet will thank you.

Alamo Extras: To show where the Coens “borrowed” their inspiration: the trailers for Quo Vadis, Cleopatra, Julius Caesar and Ben Hur; scenes from Million Dollar Mermaid, Anchors Aweigh and On the Town; Bugs Bunny v. Yosemite Sam as a Roman centurion; a Hollywood puff piece on what happens on the backlot around the Forties.

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