Jungle Cruise: If there’s nothing better on

You’re free to see this painfully mediocre fare on Disney+ nowadays. We went during my last birthday weekend (2021) and it was my inaugural experience with Alamo Drafthouse’s family friendlier (but to me bro’ friendlier) rival Flix Brewhouse in Round Rock. Much like the movie, I wasn’t terribly impressed. The theater was larger, the “table” for our stuff too and the menu had more variety. However, I just couldn’t like the place’s atmosphere nor their pre-movie snipe; I could fee it was a venue filled with assholes who text during the movie and feel it is their Constitutional right to talk aloud at the screen.

The movie? Jungle was a near, shot-for-shot clone of everything better you’ve seen before: The Mummy (1999) and the entire Indiana Jones franchise. Paul Giamatti appears briefly to chew the scenery, Duane tries to improve his possible political fortunes telling the dumb jokes from the theme-park ride and Emily Blunt earns an easy paycheck, maybe to finance A Quiet Place III. I would say the only change they made is setting it in South America instead of Africa since I remember the ride had hippos which don’t exist elsewhere. What’s the plot? Some magical plant capable of healing any ailment and Blunt’s heroine with gay cousin in tow (yet another first openly homosexual for Disney despite the previous 20) trying to find it. Allegedly some Spanish conquistadors died searching for it 300 years earlier and Blunt has their notes or map. Meanwhile, Jesse Plemons attempts his best German accent as the Kaiser’s cousin who wants it too. Overall, it’s the usual crap from Disney trying to monetize a lazy idea…again (Pirates, Haunted) while they were trying to get MCU fare back onto theater schedules and recover from Star Wars fizzling on the giant screens. Did I like any of it? Bits and pieces, not enough to sit through Jungle more than the Friday evening I was enjoying more by being with Jennifer. Is it safe enough to show children? Over eight since there’s some shit younger ones will have nightmares from. I can only recommend Jungle for anyone with a low IQ or people I want to pimp slap whenever they say, “It’s a popcorn movie.” The latter expression is synonymous with “it’s crappy.”