I have let this lame campaign of bullshit go on long enough but during this Moontower Comedyfest, one comedian put Ohio in its place…It’s Amerika’s Cheesecake Factory, which means it’s the center of our nation’s decline via overpriced crap and mediocrity. I find it rather hilarious but not surprising how two diehard Republican states are screwing each other for jerbs. The difference? There’s a chance Texas can be moved closer to the political center in my lifetime while Ohio continues to drown in hillbillies, opiates and pathetic, rusted-out, has-been cities (cough! Cleveland)…while still governed by backward-ass Republicans who believe banning abortion is the winning issue for its millions of unemployed residents. They should just give up and be officially annexed as Northern Kentucky with Indiana.
I also have a special hatred of Ohio from college. When I was a kid, the place seemed OK since Cincinnati gained fame via WKRP and King’s Island was a pretty bitchin’ theme park I visited in the late Seventies. However, Cleveland was already the butt of jokes and when I arrived at Marquette, the majority of classmates from there added assholism and terrible musical tastes to the list. My neighbor on the fourth floor thought Marillion could walk on water, ugh! They’re worst than any Prog Rock mashed up with Rush times a million! Another dude on the floor was just a schmuck in his rude pickup lines with the ladies. Leading the way was a Goth girl with a ego that should’ve broken her neck from the weight of her big head and Elvira-esque hair. The city may have given us some great people in the past; Tim Conway, Fred Willard, Drew Carey and the guy who was the voice of ABC for several decades yet remember this, they left!
In its defense, the state was home to a few presidents: William Harrison (old and dead in a month), Grant, Hayes (shitbag of the 1876 compromise), Garfield (killed by an insane person), Benjamin Harrison, McKinley (killed by anarchist), Taft (corporate shill) and Harding (corruption exposed after his death and lovechild). Oh wait, other than Grant, Ohio has given us terrible leadership and I’m not surprised on how all but one were Republican. To be fair, Pork King Sen. John Glenn was a DINO and used his position to needlessly be the oldest fart in outer space.
Should Texas, or more appropriately, Austin worry? With the rise of working from home due to the Pandemic, could be a factor. In the end though, not really. Ohio has Winter, is on Eastern Time despite being hundreds of miles from the Atlantic Ocean and the clincher for many in Texas, including some of my greedy, short-sighted friends…state income tax. For me, it doesn’t have much going on in the social life department unless I’m nuts about their sports franchises. Yeah Cleveland, while your city rots out from under you, make sure you continue to have a shitty NFL team. College sports are a big deal in Austin given this being the HQ for UT. The difference? If you’re not obsessed with the Longhorns’ ongoing run of disappointment in football and basketball, you won’t be bored which is more than I can say for Ohio and its southern sibling, North Carolina.
If the campaign got more of the Californicators and Brooklyn Hipsters to move away, I’d applaud it. Sadly, the geniuses behind this probably worked for John Boehner and lack the self-awareness to realize they are promoting ground zero of the Amerikan Rust Belt and Hillbilly Elegy was set! Suck it Ohio! Your best option is to hope Canada takes pity on you and invades.