The Time Machine Did It by John Swartzwelder

Book number four on my iPad but I read it a while back, forgot to write about it, got sucked into reading others, namely the Simon Pegg bio and Idiot America (next up for review!). Since Machine was a quick, funny experience, I read it again and got through it in record time…two weeks over my lunch hour!

You might recognize the author. John Swartzwelder is the record holder for writing the most episodes of The Simpsons. You can usually tell which ones were his because there are “old-timey” elements and absurdism as current show running Al Jean would explain in the commentaries; Swatzwelder refused to show up so other people would tell anecdotes regarding him. There’s a list here to help you familiarize yourself with the direction Swartzwelder tended to take the show. I’ve been re-watching The Simpsons starting from season one and during its breakout season John wrote the memorable “Bart the General,” “Call of the Simpsons” and “Life on the Fast Lane.”

Those DVD commentaries were how I learned about his book too. See, listening to the additional audio tracks come in handy for things besides Geeks Who Drink! My friend Jeremy said he gets nothing out of them. I did.

For Swartzwelder’s first novel, he introduces LA’s most incompetent and oblivious private-eye Frank Burly. The story is told from Frank’s perspective (as he reminisces over this case); a combination of Preston Sturges slang, James Ellroy’s rat-a-tat pace and Doug Adams’ word play. After a day of bodyguard work, Frank is approached by a homeless guy who claims to be Thomas Dewey Mandible III, the city’s wealthiest man. Somehow the Pellagra crime family took everything overnight but his memory of how things used to be. Nobody believes Mandible so he is down to the worst detective in LA. Frank decides to the take case due to Mandible’s willingness to pay should this pan out; besides, it was this or hit the all-you-can-eat spaghetti joint, work has been slow in the private-eye business. Mandible’s primary objective is the recovery of a figurine, should Frank recover this, everything will be copacetic.

As Frank wanders the city trying to make additional expenses for Mandible’s bill, he notices there are a lot of strange objects being fenced lately at the pawn shops. Then Frank accidentally witnesses a known small-time crook going into a shimmering phone booth and coming back out with a bag of money and a Van Gogh painting. Seems there might be something to Mandible’s fantastic story.

Anything else I could say in the review becomes a spoiler. The title says it all. What makes Machine great is Swartzwelder’s execution through word jokes, references to film noir and Frank’s general incompetence. Frank isn’t quite as stupid as Homer Simpson yet he could be outwitted by Bart and Lisa, probably Milhouse too. Is it funny? Quite but it’s intelligent, somewhat intellectual/inside humor, mainly for people familiar with the author’s tastes and past work. Machine is what SNL/Comedy Central aspire to, what Adam Sandler’s/Wil Ferrel’s followers don’t get (nor like) and what Larry Sanders often achieved. My comparisons are an attempt to set the expectation since humor is a subjective matter.

The only complaint I have is the book’s brevity for its price; a puny 138 pages for $10 in the standard Kindle layout (the digital future will be cheaper my butt). Maybe it’s self-published. A physical copy runs $16. My hope is that Mr. Swartwelder received a handsome share of my money. It’s the least I could do for the hours of entertainment he has given me through his past television/film work.

I would like to read Swartzwelder’s second novel Double Wonderful which is his take on Westerns. Alas, Double doesn’t exist in an electronic form yet. When I get around to it (hopefully this year), I will jump ahead to his third How I Conquered Your Planet, Frank Burly’s second (mis)adventure.

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