MAGGI PICAYUNE

Joss Whedon achieved what I consider a Herculean task in making this movie. There could only be two outcomes: really impressive or incredibly awful. He had to harness and integrate three characters from successful features, one with poor results (twice) and two obscure heroes who had minor roles in the successes. Fans of all levels (diehard to casual) know these superheroes all come from the same shared comic-book universe yet a larger, broader audience doesn’t know this, thus he has to overcome the movie’s first major hurdle. Here Whedon scores a hat trick* through The Avengers because he pulled off the equivalent of writing/directing a team-up picture starring James Bond, Indiana Jones, Sherlock Holmes, John McClane and Lara Croft fighting Professor Morarity and his army of Predators. Either concept is like a sensitive machine with over a dozen moving pieces to integrate and balance. Should one component break down, the entire thing will collapse into a huge steaming heap of crap. Whedon probably has an ulcer named after The Avengers and it went away when the movie raked in a billion smackers.

Enough praise for Whedon’s feat, on to the actual movie…

The story begins sometime after Thor and Captain America with Loki materializing in a SHIELD base courtesy of the same Nazi-Asgardian tesseract from the “prequels.” Loki then starts blowing crap up, turning people into his flunkies and takes the tesseract SHIELD was trying to harness. Nick Fury decides that the Norse god of mischief is too much for SHIELD so he re-activates the failed Avengers Initiative. Captain America is already under his command but the other two heroes need to be convinced to join: the egocentric Iron Man and reluctant Hulk. Thor soon joins the fight since Loki is messing with his beloved Midgard. As per the Marvel Comics tradition, the good guys battle each other due to misunderstandings, mistrust and hormones (Marvel Comics appeal more to pre-teen/teenage boys). With the obligatory infighting completed, Loki is captured. Everybody returns to SHIELD’s flying headquarters to figure out where Loki took the tesseract but realize too late how they all played into the villain’s larger plans. It would be a short movie if it went any other way. I’m not spoiling anything by revealing the inevitable alien invasion Loki fosters, it’s the core of every commercial for The Avengers. For an event movie, it’s the perfect conclusion and dramatic climax. Sit through all the closing credits too. You will see a preview of what’s next and a little dose of humor for such a heavy movie.

The additional 3-D glasses were worth the extra few bucks during the first hour. Afterwards, my brain started to treat it as a flat film; ergo no panics caused by my fear of heights. I even peeked without them a couple times and couldn’t tell the difference. Maybe the 3-D will be more effective on the eventual Blu-Ray.

For comic-book purists, I believe Whedon went mostly with the rebooted take of the Marvel Universe known as The Ultimates. The original Sixties version of The Avengers entailed Thor, Iron Man, Ant Man and Wasp banding together to stop the Hulk who was under Loki’s influence. Whedon chose wisely to go with the more recent continuity despite it being a ripoff of DC’s The Justice League of America‘s origin story involving an alien invasion as the catalyst to form a super team. I think Whedon’s time spent writing various Marvel titles certainly paid off and proved he was the right person for the job. It still doesn’t change my opinion of the overrated and incredibly boring Firefly, he just gets a pass from me regarding anything involving superheroes. Maybe DC can convince him to make a live-action movie that doesn’t suck with the exception of Donner’s Superman and the Nolans’ Batman flicks.

Additional Alamo Drafthouse perks: Whedon stuff I’d seen before (yawn!) like Dr. Horrible; an ongoing gag of Nick Fury showing up at the end of non-superhero movies such as Black Swan and Twilight; some old Sixties Marvel cartoons Ralph Bakshi worked on; and a couple How it Should’ve Ended cartoons.

The Summer of ’12 is off to a strong start. Maybe in 30 years, Alamo Drafthouse will have another festival showing at least eight well-loved movies that stood the test of time.

*-baseball and its analogies bore me

Friday evening was the kickoff to the Alamo Drafthouse’s Summer of 1982 series…it’s going to be a damned good time thanks to the hosts and partners.

Was it the best Summer of movies ever? This is a matter of opinion and it’s often easier to say in hindsight. In 1982 I was 13 going on 14 and there’s a cliche I’ve read in The Onion’s AV Club saying you experience your own personal Golden Age of Pop culture between age 12-15. I agree with Alamo’s eight key choices for being memorable films, but they’re not all the greatest as the inaugural feature proved.

Conan the Barbarian is a relatively important flick though:

• It was Arnold’s first real starring vehicle to utilize his physique…outside of a documentary or porno.
• It was the Fantasy flick that led to other numerous knockoffs trying to mop up the spillover money: The Sword and the Sorcerer, Fire and Ice, Sorceress, Krull and The Beastmaster. D&D’s rising popularity also contributed.
• It was co-written (from a legal/WGA standpoint) by John Milius and Oliver Stone. Both gentlemen went on to direct other well-remembered Eigthies standards, Red Dawn and Platoon respectively. You think a debate on Crossfire is contentious? Imagine the idealogical fight between those two.

The Alamo’s two co-hosts donned their best fake muscles, loincloths and swords to get everyone fired up over this brand new 35mm print from Universal. (It was impressive to see the movie with so few scratches.) Before we all got to watch, Drew McWeeny of HitFix spoke briefly regarding Conan. His tale about how hard he worked to see this movie as a 12-year-old kid was touching…and relatable. At least he succeeded, I had to settle for snippets on HBO the following year. I can visualize the horror on his parents’ faces as they sat there wondering, “What the hell kind of movie is this?” when the first set of breasts appeared.

Alas, I never saw Conan in the theater because of its R rating. My folks were pretty set against letting me seeing such flicks unless one was present, they had already watched it and it was on cable; Dad usually made sure Mom wasn’t around or awake when he knew a boob scene was about to happen. Maybe he wanted my brother and me to watch some female nudity to make sure neither of us were gay.

I did watch Conan in its entirety a few years ago courtesy of a friend’s DVD. The movie loses a lot of ground on the small screen plus it was fodder for a Sick Day Marathon; I kept nodding off from the side effects of cold medicine. Barbarian is quite different from the sequel Destroyer which I had seen several times; the latter is a kinder, gentler Fantasy film. I do wonder why I never bothered seeing Barbarian sooner.

How was Conan the Barbarian 30 years later? Beyond the bigger joke Arnold’s overall acting and political career transformed into, the movie hasn’t aged very well. It looks very dated via the effects, the plot, the costumes, etc. It does play out better on the big screen, especially during the climatic battle near the end and when showing the immensity of Thulsa Doom’s following. I had forgotten about how many stretches of no dialogue there were. Combine this with its frequent lulls of inaction and it can be a struggle to stay awake through.

Ratings:

1982 (13-year-old me): A. I was a huge D&D geek, enjoyed violent fare and wasn’t familiar with Howard’s original stories so it didn’t take much to cater to my tastes. The sex stuff didn’t move the plot at all, just secured the R rating.

2012: C. The acting is wooden other than Max von Sydow and James Earl Jones’ performances. Too many slow points which hinders the overall pace. Remove the nudity and graphic violence, Conan could be a long episode of Xena since special effects have gotten cheaper. Compared to its competitors, Conan the Barbarian was the best of the bunch except for Krull.

In conclusion, here are the movie’s life lessons as highlighted by evening’s hosts, hopefully the other seven features contain such nuggets of wisdom:

1. To crush your enemies
2. See them driven before you
3. (and) To hear the lamentation of their women

Next up in the Summer of 1982: Mad Max 2, aka The Road Warrior by its US title.